This is a detailed explanation about why you don’t reach goals you think you want to reach. I notice many people beating themselves up for not accomplishing more last year. If you feel this way, this explanation will help you to understand why you don’t reach certain goals even if you think they are goals you want.
We All Have Desires
Let’s start with the basics. We all have desires to be, do, and have the things that we feel are of greatest value to us – or most important to us. For example, when we are young, our desires may be focused on having the coolest gadget or mastering a certain level in a video game. As a teenager, it may shift towards having trendy items in order to appear “cool” and be better accepted by our peers. As we get older, the things that we find value in, and what fulfills us changes. It may go from relationships to career to health to wealth and more, depending on what we feel is missing, and what we want to have in our life.
We Strive to Fulfill Our Voids
What you feel is missing in your life, is a void that you will strive to fulfill. Anything that you perceive as missing, you will want. If you don’t have a relationship (and want one), you will always be on the look out for a relationship. If you don’t have money (and truly want more), you will find opportunities and always be on a search for ways to make money. Whatever it is that you want to most have in your life, is whatever you think is missing the most. Everything you do, consciously or unconsciously, moves you toward taking actions to fill this void. Your fulfillment in life will always be in direct proportion to how well you fill your void.
Why You Can’t Stay Focused on a Goal
When you minimize yourself and subordinate yourself to someone else, you will allow what they feel is important to become what you think is important. When you do this, you will sacrifice what is truly important to you, and try to be somebody you are not. Then, what you really feel is important will go unconscious and the injected values (what someone else thinks is important) will now be what you think is important and will become your conscious values.
The Unconscious Always Wins
Whenever there is a conflict between the conscious and the unconscious, the unconscious always wins. This means that although consciously you think your proclaimed goals are what you want, in reality, you live according to what you subconsciously feel is truly most important to you. You will make decisions based on your subconscious, and beat yourself up for not taking action on the conscious goals you set.
Why You Say, “I Should”
In this scenario, you have a dilemma, and an internal conflict. You are trying so hard to reach the goals you think you are supposed to be reaching, but still acting and making decisions subconsciously on what is most important to you. Without knowing what’s going on, you will wonder why you can’t stay focused on the things you think you are supposed to be doing, and you’ll say things like this to yourself – “I should do this,” or “I should be doing that,” and then you’ll beat yourself up for not doing what you think you “should” be doing.
Setting Unrealistic Goals Leads to “Failure”
Whenever you set unrealistic goals for yourself and have unrealistic expectations about reaching those goals, you will get down on yourself when you don’t reach them. The only reason you don’t reach those goals is because it doesn’t match what you authentically feel, deep down, is truly most important to you – in other words, the goal doesn’t match who you are – it matches who you think you want to be.
For example, you set a goal to exercise regularly, but for some reason, one thing or another gets in the way. It’s because exercising is really not important to you. It’s a fantasy and because of this, it is guaranteed to create a self-sabotaging feeling inside of you. You will consciously say to yourself that you want to exercise, but you will unconsciously keep doing what is truly most important to you – such as relaxing, socializing, creating new business plans, tuning into social media, or making music.
Why You Need Outside Motivation
Anytime you set a goal that doesn’t match what is truly important to you, you will need outside motivation to keep you moving towards it. If you lose that motivation from the outside (let’s say you hired a personal trainer to keep you accountable), the minute they are no longer there, you will likely stop and go back to doing what is truly important for you. If you expect yourself to fulfill this goal of exercising without outside motivation, and you don’t exercise, then you will feel like a failure.
When Will You Achieve Your Goals?
When you set goals that are congruent with what is truly important to you, you will achieve them. No one will have to push you to make it happen. No one will have to get you up in the morning and motivate you. Take the time to ask yourself what is truly important to you and set your goals to match this. When you do, you will be willing to go through thick and thin to reach this goal. You’ll know you set the right goals for yourself when you can’t wait to get up in the morning and achieve this goal, and you won’t let any obstacle get in the way of you doing this.
I learned this concept from Dr. John Demartini over 15 years ago and it helped me so much. If you read this far, I hope it helps you like it did me!