I am so excited to reflect on my first month as a scholarship student at Happiness U. The way this all came together feels divinely timed and guided, and as Alice recently reminded us in her 2019 Astrology Forecast talk, synchronicities are an indication that you are on the right path.
The story of how this all is unfolding – from hearing about the program, to applying, to being accepted, to the subject matter of the courses that I have been able to attend this month – has had a certain energy and momentum around it that feels completely in universal flow.
Life has shown me that when something is meant for you and you are in alignment to a thing (whether it be a job, a relationship, a material object of desire, etc.), it will come into your life quickly and easily. There is no struggle or obstruction, just an ease and flow. I’ve attended three Happiness U events this month, all in a span of little over a week. I am loving this learning.
When I showed up to the What’s Your Attachment Style class, I remember sitting there before class started and just appreciating the fact that this space existed – a place for learning and growing through self-examination and self-inquiry. My heart felt happy and my soul at ease. This is the stuff that I feel so at home in. I felt excited to learn, discover and share among a community of like-minded individuals. There was an unspoken sense of psychological safety, which I attribute to Alice’s ability to speak openly and honestly about herself. By showing up with vulnerability and authenticity, it gave me “permission” to also do so. I surprisingly learned that my attachment style is “Secure” though I initially self-identified with the “Avoidant” style. It was awakening in that I saw how my own self-perception was skewed. Knowing that I possessed more secured attachment than previously thought, I feel confident in my ability to address and mitigate avoidant tendencies that may show up in my relationships.
I also attended Danny Kim’s Living Intentionally talk. I identified with Danny’s life path being filled with twists and turns, successes and failures, and ultimately the recognition that all the external accoutrements could not fill a deficit of truth, spirit and authentic unwavering self-acceptance. I used to feel envious of those whose lives seemed to just work in a straight line – the ones who stayed in jobs for 20 years or got married and had kids and mortgages at the “appropriate” ages. Those “normal” things always seemed to elude me. In fact, for a while, it seemed like my life was one big plot twist after another. Yet, looking back, at no point could I identify a moment where I would have made a different choice. I am so grateful for the colorful adventure of my life thus far. I am so grateful for going through those twists and turns, falling down and getting up, over and over again. Those are the things that filled my cup.
This past weekend’s encore presentation of the 2019 Astrological Forecast provided just the perspective and messages that I needed to hear. 2018 was a challenging year for me with some major events – new job, not one but TWO heartbreaks and a severe pre-cancer diagnosis to end the year with a bang. (It was precisely during this time that I heard about Happiness U and I felt that in my bones this was a sign that things were going to change – in a really good-self-love-self-care way!). In fact, I felt exhausted and downtrodden entering into 2019, as if the residual energy of 2018 was still lingering. But it made complete sense – especially in learning the numerological relevance of the years. 2017 was a 1 year – a year of initiation. It was the year I moved to Hawaii and started a build a life here, new apartment, new friends, new relationship. 2018 was a 2 year – a year of change and polarity – very much evident in my emotional heart space with the starting and ending of intimate relationships. And now, 2019 – a 3 year – a year of movement and reorientation/straightening with forward momentum, rooted in a lot of stability and responsible risk taking (I’m a Virgo and this is music to my ears!). I already feel this happening with my internal outlook on life shifting into a place of empowerment. Alice touched on a key point – that we are choosing everything in our life. There is no “can’t.” There is just us choosing to be/do or not be/do something – but it is a choice. Recognizing that and assuming responsibility for our own life is empowering. The story of Chiron pulling the arrow out of his side so that he can move forward is a powerful archetype. I certainly have an inner dialogue that at times just seems to be running the same limiting story in the background of my life.
Being reminded that I am truly my own master inspires me to live more intentionally (full circle with Danny Kim!) and to make choices that create the life that I want. It actually doesn’t just inspire me – it makes me fearless in knowing that no matter what is happening, I can choose another choice. There is no wrong choice when it is made authentically and wholeheartedly!
The energy at the beginning of March felt groggy and slow but towards the second week, everything seemed to pick up rapidly. First, a manifestation occurred. In my entire adult life, I have never owned a car. I never needed one living in NY and San Francisco. When I moved to Hawaii a little over a year and half ago, I didn’t want to get a car – the bus was fine and I had made friends with cars. But in the last couple of months, I started to feel like it was time for some more freedom. I was searching and researching on and off – not in a very serious manner. I wanted something small and reliable – nothing too fancy or too busted, a solid island car. I really liked the Honda Fit. I liked the way it looked and the size, and I had grown up driving Hondas in my teenage years. The extent of my car shopping was texting a guy that my coworker had bought a car from – he was someone’s dad who flipped cars for a living. He didn’t have what I was looking for but said he would keep me posted. Meanwhile, life went on and I kind of forgot about the car search. One morning out of the blue, I get a text message from an email address I didn’t recognize. It was my friend’s mom saying that her neighbor was selling his Honda Insight, low mileage, well kept, and for a reasonable price (though outside of my budget range). I jumped on it right away and called him – he wouldn’t budge on the pricing but if I was interested, he would hold the vehicle for me until I was ready to buy it. I wanted to wait on the purchase until after Mercury retrograde and after I returned from my business trip. An hour later, without any prompting, he texted me and lowered the price to be closer to my budget! That weekend, I went and saw the car, test drove it, and put down a deposit. I just picked up the car this weekend and am now a proud car owner! In the past, I have lived a nomadic life, moving across country and borders with little more than suitcases of possessions. Owning a car is symbolically a huge step in commitment for me. I had to learn about car insurance, registration, inspections, and all the things that responsible adults do! I feel a huge shift in my being already, making this commitment and feeling like I’m putting down roots here and saying to the universe that THIS is home. It feels exciting, scary, and exhilarating. I’m growing up!
Over the four courses I was able to attend in person at Happiness U, there was an overarching message that was emerging for me: though we can look to the past to understand our wounds, our healing takes place in the present. And our power is in the present. The hypnotherapy workshop covered the process of remembering the origin of a pattern that no longer serves and by bringing that to light, we can make a decision on whether or not we would choose to continue that way of being or not. Our growth and healing occurs in us recognizing that we have a choice and can make a decision consciously – not out of reaction or automated patterning. The Life Planning Workshop over the two days was all about crafting and putting pen to paper about our life to date – as we tell it – and how we want to create the future. It was an extremely powerful exercise that I have yet to finish. I have discovered that I have not been fully living my stated values and that what I projected outwards onto others, I possessed in myself. It was easy and familiar to play the victim and blame others for what I was experiencing in life but when I saw on paper, the clear correlation between one of my biggest stories and how I actually conduct my life, it was clear that there was no one else responsible but myself.
April came and went with a lot of activities. I was gone for the first half on a business trip and upon my return, one of my best friends, Waylon, was visiting from Vancouver. I also picked up my new (used) car on my way back from the airport and spent a week of excitement taking care of the registration and inspections.
Travel always puts me in a state of surrender. I surrender to the plane and the pilots. I surrender to the itinerary that was planned. I surrender to the new people/energy entered into my experience. I surrender. It was nice to be able to share Happiness U with Waylon – he is one of my closest friends and though we have known each other only 3 years, mostly long distance – it’s been one of the most inspiring and profound friendships that I have had in my adult life. It is a true testament to the fact that it’s not about the length of time but rather the depth of your interactions. It is also really refreshing to have such a close and intimate relationship with a man that is not at all sexual. He is like family to me and we have such clear, mutual boundaries in our relationship. People often think/comment otherwise but to me, it’s a model of what a healthy and mature adult relationship is and can be. I am grateful for this friendship with this kindred soul. His support has been unwavering.
The life-planning workshop has really stuck with me and I am making a concerted effort in carving out space and time to put towards the things I value most. This is where intentionality comes in and making conscious decisions that support and serve my values. I continue to confront all the ways I have been a creator and chooser in the experiences and life I am living. This can be a tough pill to swallow when life goes sideways because it’s easier to externalize or place blame on another. I am proud of the person that is emerging though and am adamant about continuing this path, no matter where that leads me.
If I could describe last month, it was as if all the windows were open and all this wild wind energy came through. Fresh air and movement all around.
I continued to do my practices around releasing my ex. One morning, I had a particularly clear release – I sat down with intention and focused on releasing the residual energy/feelings. Less than 2 hours later, he texted me, after 6-7 months of zero communication (at my request)! I had dreamt/fantasized and longed for connecting with him again but it didn’t feel like this was it. I never responded back. Part of it was that I expected more to be honest – that if he was going to reach out and cross the line that I had drawn, I expected the communication to be substantive and yet his message didn’t feel like an opening. A part of me felt a little taken back – like I had asked for us to not communicate during this separation as it has been hard for me and him reaching out kind of felt like a violation of that request – like an interruption of my healing process. His text was to serve him, not me. The other part was I just felt a little hurt still, the break up and circumstances around it are just plain sad and heartbreaking, and I still feel that sadness. I know that one day, when sufficient time has passed and the feelings have fully faded, we can try to be friends again but for now, there is still rawness there and re-opening the wound doesn’t serve me at all. Plus, there is so much movement in my life right now that I’m not at the place where I would be jumping for scraps – and engaging with him again at this level feels like scraps.
With that set and clear, an opportunity arose. I had been making candles over the last year for friends. I love candles and use them regularly in my meditation and rituals. My creative artist friends have a studio space where they hold a quarterly shopping bazaar at First Fridays in Chinatown. They had an opening for one vendor and I signed up and last Friday, debuted my passion project! It was so much fun putting it together and making labels and setting up the LLC and everything. It became real. I am living in this manifestation. I feel that the darkness that I was in when I first started Happiness U has turned a corner. I knew learning about Happiness U was a sign and the hint that change was afoot was when I got the scholarship. And now, I feel like I’m living the change that was hinted at months before. The seeds were planted and I had tended to it and now the tree is bearing fruit. I am excited about life again. I am excited about seizing the day, fearlessly. I feel the urgency and shortness of the earthly existence and I just want to do things that I love and make me happy, without waiting on anyone else.